Addiction ... can be anything. Not just drugs

Addiction is often thought of as a dependence on a drug but it can also be a devotion to a particular interest which requires a lot of our time. This can be an animal, computer, phone, texting, you name it.

For me and I think a lot of people addiction forms as a way to cope or avoid other people, situations, ourselves, responsibility, and truth or as a way to get outside approval. Maybe both.

Yesterday and today are tough days for me. My mind/addiction are trying to come up with excuses as to why I can have my addiction back. The games are like if you give up 1/2 of the addiction you can handle/manage the other 1/2. I hear my mind saying ... "it's okay. You have worked so hard for this. Or look people have enjoyed what you have created and do. They need you," thus pulling on my heart strings.

Here's the thing my addiction isn't what people would look at and consider as an addiction necessarily. I am addicted to horses. I have had horses for almost 30 years now. I have accomplished many goals and feel I have been very successful on different levels, however, along the way risks were taken and it has hurt myself and family emotionally, financially, etc.

I don't believe horses were always an addiction for me. When I was a kid they kept me out of trouble (some what ). I had a lot of fun, was creative and had joy and fun with them. They have taught me a lot about forgiveness, hope, strength, grace, perserverence, teaching and freedom. I think the addiction is something that has happened over time. I guess I should have seen the red flag flying high when I started justifying having them when we really couldn't afford them. I couldn't let me security blanket go so I came up with crazy odd jobs to keep them. The trouble with that was is was taking even more time, energy and money from my family. Also I began to add expectations to the horses because I was taking time away from my family. They had to be a certain way, kind, rare, etc. to justify that time and money being taken from the family.

Unaware I developed an attachment to them during childhood. They helped me emotionally through tough times growing up and with relationships. They always love and forgive me even when I was mean. They are great teachers. However, they also can become a safety net so I didn't have deal with 'real' life people, situations and learn how to be standalone entity. (there will be another thread on that)

I have been trying to quit for about 2 years now because I am finally awakening to this realization. I am on and off about them like a light switch but that again is the addiction calling me back. The mind games are grand! "you are giving up, you aren't reaching your full potential, people need you, you don't believe in yourself thats why you aren't successful, etc." It's all games. It's all ego. I have to tell myself, "I am not giving up. I am making healthier choices. I have reached the goals I set out to and I have been successful. I am not going to fin my potential in other areas. People will be fine with out me. Humans are very adapatable. Also other needs to not be dependent and learn to stand on there own or go after what they want and not rely on others. I DO believe in myself and that is why I am going on a new adventure and journey!" The trick I think in beating it is to not beat yourself up for the things you have done but to stay focused on what will be. It's a slippery slope to be on.

I am trying to stay horse sober but it's not easy.

Do you have something that consumes you? Could it be your addiction?

It’s a funny thing, there is a tendency within all humans that starts very young – and that tendency is to try and define ourselves as an individual.

We get so swept up in the “me vs. them.”

We surround ourselves with “things” in order to do this. Mostly objects, but sometimes even people. We buy certain clothes, we drive a certain car, we listen to certain music, sometimes we collect stuff that we truly like – but we also collect stuff that we feel will give a desired impression to others.

Sometimes this tendency can carry into other areas over time – like our hobbies. You probably started out as simply a "woman who loves horses." That was not something you needed to strive for - it was effortless and natural.

At some point in your life however, you said to yourself “I want to be a horse breeder.” In the beginning your motives stemmed from your past as a horse lover. You enjoyed horses, they brought much happiness into your life and you could not envision yourself without them. You wanted to try and do something you might love for a living.

But over time your goals, circumstances, mindset and purpose may have changed. Of course, you’re so involved and so swept up in the motion of things by now that it’s hard to take a step back and realize that you are no longer getting any joy from this endeavor. You’ve become comfortable in an uncomfortable situation. Things just are not the way you pictured/hoped they would be.

You try to push the disappointment aside because you have already spent insurmountable amounts of blood, sweat and tears defining yourself as a horse breeder – and the thought that it may be in your best to choose another path is a tough pill to swallow. That’s why it is so easy to get pulled back into things. So easy to convince yourself that you “just need more time” or if you just sold this, did that, built that etc. etc. etc. Things are hard but you can manage. You’re just comfortable enough that you could keep functioning that way indefinitely.

Your ego isn’t willing to let go yet.

But you are not your ego. You are much more then that. You don’t define yourself with things, you define yourself by what makes you happy, what makes you feel fulfilled.

Your soul tells you that you’d be happier elsewhere but your ego is protesting.

“Any rationalization implies that the action doesn’t flow from your values.”

When you rid yourself of attachments, you rid yourself of complications. You rid yourself of disappointment. You rid yourself of chaos.

You are a soul that is searching for peace. Attachments are obligations. Attachments are a distraction from peace.